So I leave just after 8, and I get into town just before 9.00. I've worked out where I'm going to go well in advance - Bar Soho in Soho, which my new essential reading (TimeOut's Bars, Pubs & Clubs book) tells me is a "pick-up joint" and that "come nightfall, most costumers are intent on reaching first base before moving on a deux". Turning up, I think I've made a big mistake - the place is packed, almost to capacity and there's very loud music. I get a beer and start to walk to the back of the club - trying to make it look like I know where I'm going. On the way I open a one-set with a bloke, just to make it try and appear less like I'm on my own, and to get the ball rolling. He couldn't hear a bloody word I was saying! Damn.
I move as far away as I can from the music, near the doors and look for more sets. It's still too loud. I memorise the layout of the place and decide to go outside, call someone, and then leave.
Set #1
As I'm outside I finally see an opportunity - HB 7 is at a table, alone, smoking, with two drinks and an empty chair. I casually approach.
"Have you been stood up as well?"
"Yeah"
"Friends. Always late."
"Yeah well mine's wondered off to the bar ages ago".
At this point I realise two things and start setting myself up. I tell her that I'm going to finish my drink and go and find my friends, so I can't stay long (time constraint), then I ask her about her friend and get the name. Last time I tried a set and the friend came back, the friend immediately and instinctively cockblocked and dragged her friend away. This time though, I was ready. When her friend came back, HB 8.5 (bonus!), I greeted her by name, and then did the same time constraint. I ask them what they are up to this evening, and then HB 7 gives me an IOI, telling me to pull up a chair. I oblige.
I start asking questions, and then go cocky-funny about everything they answer. Turns out HB7's parents owns a stable with 40 horses (wtf?!) she can now be stable girl. HB8.5 is a lawyer. I try the best friend's routine - but they aren't! They've only known each other a few months. HB 8.5 tells me that since then HB 7 has been clinging onto her constantly (what a wierd thing to say). So now I'm trying to work out the situation - HB8.5 is the one I'm now after, so I decide to ignore her for a bit and focus entirely on HB 7. Both girls are from out of town and up for the day.
I carry on asking question. They answer and make sure I neg as much as possible. My favourite was:
Me: So what have you two beeing doing today?
Stablegirl: Shopping, and far too much eating?
Me: Define too much eating.
Stablegirl: We went to this place (then to Lawgirl), Browns?
Lawgirl: Yeah Browns.
Stablegirl: And we had like 7 sandwiches?
Me: What? You had seven sandwiches? SEVEN sandwiches? So basically underneath those coasts you have these massive bellies (make large stomach motion with hands). Still, you hide it well.
They laugh. Throughout all this, every now and then, I'm acting as if I'm getting text messages and get up a few times to ring people. Every time I come back and explain my friends are late, but should be here any minute. I think my blatant lying (and my soul should burn), was actually really convincing. Stablegirl bought it a treat, and Lawgirl did as a few times later. But hey, that must be some achievement - making up a story as I go along and convincing a lawyer it's true.
Next step: the bounce. At this point we're still sitting outside, and all of a sudden the bar man appears and tells me we have to get up - he's taking the tables away. I suggest we find somewhere new to go nearby, were we can sit outisde, whilst my friends turn up. They know a place round the corner and so we go.
We end up outside this bar - quite a stylish place called Profile. Ah, perfect, there's a table left outside. The girls have bags with them and we start to sit down.
Me: I don't normally do this, but I'll do you a deal. I'll buy this round, if you buy he next OK?
They like that, and I go inside to get HB8.5 a vokda-lemon-lime and HB7 a Cosmo. I walk inside and straight away something's up. Hang on, where are all the women? Why are all the guys really really well dressed? IS THAT GAY PORN ON THE TV's BEHIND THE BAR?!! Forunately, it was just a scene from some film I guess as there was no sex... just.... eugh.... I don't want to think about it. I'm waiting at the bar and the place starts to fill up. They close the large screen door, blocking off the outside world and separating me from my set. Great. I'm stuck in a gay bar - have to carry three drinks including a sodding cocktail to fuck-knows-where to get out... and I'm wearing a pink jumper.
I get back outside and tell them it's gay bar. They tell me they'd figured that one out and we laugh about it. Now the tables turn a little and they start asking me questions. I DHV for a while, telling them about my exploits and stories.
Things that get a good response:
- I'm buying a flat - property is so fucking expensive in London.
- I work in television.
- I manage a small team of people (which is stretching the truth a little, but fuck it).
- I've been to colombia and a whole load of spin off from that:
- Went to an ambassadors evening.
- Met the presidents son.
Then I tell them I'm growing my gotee for charity - then they came back with something awesome. They're organising a sponsored climb up the world's largest active volcano in ecuador, and have so far raised £25,000. :o I tell them I've raised £2.30.
We finish drinks and they suggest going inside - I think they were curious. I agree on the condition they promise to protect me from all the blokes. We go inside and find a nice table in the corner. I put my back firmly against the wall, just in case I get my arse grabbed. Suddenly a rather ugly girl sits down close to us.
Me: "Hey look - there is another girl in here".
Stablegirl: "Erm, I'm not sure that's a girl"
I glance back: "Holy fuck, you're right. And 'she' just came out of the gents'.
I start inching away. Stablegirl follows. I then inch back, she stays. Lawgirl goes to the toilet so I do the "tell me three things about yourself that's not about your looks or what you do" routine. She does, then does it back. My answers are better, though I almost kick myself for not having thought them about beforehand. Then I play Murder, Marry, Shag on Stablegirl. She loved it... I was surprised at how effective it was, will definately be trying that again. Lawgirl comes back: apparently there are blokes in the ladies toilets. I tell her that no matter how much I need the loo, I'm not going into the gents (having seen the number of gay couples going in together). I then play Murder, Marry, Shag on her and she again loves it, but chooses very quickly and assertively- which I find very attractive (I love assertive women). Lawgirl then IOI's by getting a photo of the three of us (damn, must take camera out next time). I put my hands around their waists for the photo, not to low down though, the put their arms around me. It's not good enough. We go through the routine again.
More cocky-funny bullshit and then Stablegirl goes to the bar to get cigarettes. I give her a twenty and ask her to get me some. Lawgirl instantly turns to me and gives me her full attention. She asks me how old I am. I tell her to guess. She says 23. I tell her that'll do: it's close enough. I ask her the same back. She tells me to guess and I say we're the same age. Then she tells me it's true - give or take. Then she does something unexpected:
Lawgirl: Actually, I'm not as old as you think.
Me: Well I reckon Stablegirl is younger, but not by much.
Lawgirl: You have to promise not to tell, but I'm 12 years older than her.
Me: What? (I was genuinely not expecting that).
Lawgirl: But you have to promise not to tell. I'm supposed to say we're both 24.
Me: Hang on. So if she's even if she's as young as 18 - that makes you 30. Is that how old you both are?
Her: Yes.
Me: Wow. Well you're youngest looking 30 year old I've met. I really didn't expect that.
More bullshit. She starts giving me fuck me eyes. But then Stablegirl comes back, face of thunder. I ask her if she's OK? She says she's fine, but there's no cigarettes. (Thinking about it I reckon I know why she was so angry looking - but this isn't the place for amateur psychoanalysis - I think I'll post about that in my blog).
Lawgirl then tells me they have to go or they'll miss the last train home. We go outside. I tell them to call me next time they are in town and give me their numbers. Stablegirl doesn't remember hers (?) and Lawgirl is only too happy to oblige with hers. I tell them I'm going to find my damn lazy friends and walk away. Should so have gotten them to give me a kiss on the cheek.
Oh, and can I re-rate a girl when I discover she's 8 years older than me, is smart, funny, assertive and ambitious and she starts giving me fuck-me eyes? She's now a 9 to me.
I'm now knackered from holding the set together for 2 hours (and my lack of sleep from last night). I decide to go and sit down, have a coffee and get my guide out to work out where to go next.
Set #2
I sit down outside, and I've barely had a sip when I hear North American accents at the table next to mine. I decide to instantly open.
Me: Hey are you guys American?
Bloke: No, we're canadian.
Me: Ah sorry. So what are you guys doing here? Tourists, students, do you work here?
As we start banter I light a cigarette and ugly next to me recoils in horror - the wind is blowing the smoke into her face.
Me: Don't worry, I'll move.
They tell me I don't have to, but I stand up, walk over and sit down at the most downwind part of their table. Finally take stock of the set properly. There's a HB8.5 whose now on my right. HB6, two uglies and a bloke.
More cocky funny. I discover some of them live here. Bloke (MrMaple) is visiting. HB 8.5 lives here, HB6 and the fuglies do also. I throw in my earlier time constraint for good measure. They ask me where to go that's outside where we can drink and get coffee for people who aren't drinking. I tell them it's a tall order and I'm not sure - but that I have the perfect book. They love my bar guide book - it's an excellent prop for tourists.
We find somewhere to go and move off. Fuglies leave! I'm left with HB6 and bloke (who are old friends), and a very quiet HB8.5 (who I'll call Vancouver) I open on HB8.5 and start asking her questions. She's not sure what to do with her life yadda yadda. She mentions she has a bf early on. I ignore it. I tell her she needs to work it out what to do with her life and ask her what her dreams and aspirations are. She won't play game. I tell her that, OK, I love my job, but if I could have any three jobs in the world I'd be: 1 - An Astronaut. 2 - A fighter jet pilot. 3 - A Top Gear* presenter. She laughs and then plays ball. Hers are singer, fasion designer and work in TV. I DHV by telling her about my job, suddenly she's into me a lot more. I carry on the bullshit and she starts lapping it up, becoming more animated and smiling.
We get to the place and then Vancouver tells me she has to go and get her boyfriend.
I'll skip the rest as it was more pleasant banter and the like. Time flies by and suddenly it's 1:00. We decide to go home. They live near me. I take charge and lead the way.
Then the most awesome thing happens. We're walking along and I'm telling them about my beard and how I'm raising money for a good cause. MrMaple tells me he'll give me a pound and starts hunting for his wallet. Out of no-where these two people turn up: they are dressed in the most outrageous pea-cocking style: flowerly black and yellow, enough bling to sink a boat, gelled back long hair. One of them puts his arm around MrMaple and locks in his leg and starts dancing, whilst the other starts singing. MrMaple has this big grin on his face, but I take a massive step back away from both as I know exactly what's going on.
Me: He's going for your wallet dude.
MrMaple: Huh?
I push the pickpocket away, rescue MrMaple and rotate and move round so I'm facing both of them.
Me: That was a really nice try - but you were just too slow.
Pickpocket: I don't know what your talking about.
Me: I saw your hand going for his fucking wallet. Now go away.
They leave. MrMaple nearly hugs me. He donates all his spare change to my beard.
Sweet - I'm now up to £7.43
The rest is uneventful. I number close HB6 and tell her to invite me out next time she's going out with her friends (I want to see Vancouver again). She says she will.
I go home. It's freezing. Travelling back to mine on the night buses takes about an hour and a half. I'm going to find a better route or I'm fucked when I bring a girl back.
Evaluation
Much more confident than night 1. Time constraints work brilliantly. Set pieces are amazingly good - need to find more games like Murder, Marry, Shag. Two number closes. Had a total of 3 alcoholic drinks in the whole evening - I'm really enjoying staying sober. I DHV'd enough to number close a 30 year old lawyer, who is about to be made partner! I'm a happy bastard :D
What can I do better? Well I chickened out of approaching two HB9's waiting at the bus stop on the way home after I left my Canadian set. I didn't get the first set to kiss me on the cheek. Not enough kino escalation. Perhaps still too many questions - albeit no dull ones.
What's next? Kino escalation. I want to try and kiss close. MUST convert some of these numbers into D2's. Will call up a few today.
Long post I know, but I've cut out as much as I didn't think was relevant, then I went back and re-edited. Thank you for reading this far and everyone's advice and comments will be very welcome.
* Top Gear is a TV programme over here, where the presenters drive around in supercars and do outrageous stunts and races.
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