Masochism

If you were to hazard a guess as to why most men achieve real success in their careers in their late forties and fifties, what would you put that down to? Experience? A lifetime of contacts, and a reputation? Savvyness acquired from being in an industry for years?

No. I've had it put to me that it's because until then, the average man runs around chasing women.

I can very much believe it, because today, I cannot stop thinking about this damn woman. It's absurd. Whatever professional relationship I once had with the work colleague has been replaced... but I'm not sure what with. She's being rediculously neutral.

Thursday I'm going to watch ActressGirl in her production. I'm going with work colleague. It's a short piece, so I can see it now - we'll be in the bar afterwards and the far more interesting drama will begin. I mean you can't get a much more volitile mix of characters. The Actress, her boyfriend, the guy she's just started dating, and the girl this guy has just ended up in bed with, who is also her friend.

It's absurd.

But it gets worse. It seems pretty obvious to me now that ActressGirl isn't interested in being my fuck buddy or having a random fling. Whilst I don't know if she's genuinely interested in me at all, I know that if she wants me, she wants me to be her "boyfriend". She's in it for something more long term than a fuck.

Which means it's a lose-lose situation. I cannot think of a worse girlfriend to have. I mean, sure, I get all the bragging rights and for the few few weeks it'd be great no doubt. And she is seriously seriously stunning. But she's also a spoilt brat who is used to getting her way. And I won't give it to her. So we'll fight. All the time. Then the jealousy will start. And the mistrust. I mean it's a golden rule that you never get into anything serious or long term with a girl you start seeing whilst she's cheating on her current boyfriend. My father made that mistake, and it came back to haunt him 10 years, a house, and two kids later. Leapards don't change their spots.

It will end in tears. And probably not hers.

And despite this.... I cannot bring myself to call it off. I know I'm marching towards pain and misery, and yet in spite of this I can't stop myself.

Oh, and I know the sum total of this makes me look like my frame is weak. I can hear the voices of PUA's in the back of my mind: "Create your own reality and invite her in", "Have an all powerful frame and sweep her off her feet". Sorry, but it ain't going to happen. If I was going to fuck her quickly, I would have done by now. I've seen her 3 times, and each time I've made my move and been rejected. Yet she still wants to see me. I've tried playing the game by my rules, and it ain't working. Sure I'll carry on living in my reality and yeah, I'll carry on seducing her and making my move and running A class game... but so far she's been pretty immune to anything that takes us beyond "comfort" and into seduction.

And I can't fucking concentrate on my damn work. It's ten to six and I've done sweet fuck all today. Again I hear the cries: "One-itis Bandit, get over it". Sure, it's one-itis, but it's not an obsession with a girl I can never be with. She's a pure 10, and within a couple of weeks she will be mine...

It's just that making her mine is perhaps the worst outcome I could possibly imagine...

-B