Fuck it. Time for some truth. If I can't be truthful in an anonymous blog talking to people I don't know, then when can I be truly honest?

Right now, I feel disillusioned with the whole concept of pickup and going out and pulling random women. Something about it doesn't feel right. I can't lay my finger on it precisely, but I know what feels wrong. He's what I currently dislike:

• I don't like going out and pulling the wool over the eyes of women. I truly hate lying and dishonesty, and I don't like pretending to be someone I'm not to impress anyone, let alone someone who I intend to have an intense emotional relationship with.
• I don't like the girls I've met. None of them have been the "kind of girl" for me. I don't know what the kind of girl is, but I've not felt any real connection with the ones I've met. Why? Well perhaps it's because I've forced myself to seduce and fuck girls that I'd otherwise never meet or have anything to do with. It goes beyond that - even amongst the girls I've only dated or snogged (which are far more numerous than the ones I've fucked), I've not enjoyed their company or their conversation. Fuck being shallow. I don't enjoy it. Don't get me wrong. I love sex. Sex is great. In fact I can't really think of anything that's more awesome that really good sex. But right now I find that sex is coming at the expense of finding someone I enjoy being with. All the girls I've fucked recently have not intererested me as people.
• It isn't making me a better person. It's making me a different person. As a human, there's no doubt my personality has improved. By personality, I'm talking about all the things that make up good social interaction - confidence, the ability to to amuse and entertain, storytelling, the ability to read people, the ability to think quickly on my feet, the ability to use my surroundings to my advantage, and the ability to seduce people (not just women) to my way of thinking. But my character has not improved. I have not become any better at the things that make a real difference - honour, loyalty, goodness, helping others, justness, truthfulness and simply doing the right thing.
• I feel no satisfaction. Sure, I get bragging rights, but who really gives a fuck about notches on my bedpost (and I say that in a purely metaphorical way, I rent, and therefore can't afford to lose the deposit on my bed). A small impish boyish part of me takes pride in the fact that I've fucked a load of women (not that it's even that many), but that's crushed by the adult part of me that sees all I've done as a bit of crusading. A conquest to fuck women. I genuinely believe I've not done any of them wrong, and that they've all enjoyed sex with me. But I do feel that I used my new "skills" to manipulate the situation to my advantage.

Perhaps I feel guilt? No. Not really.

Perhaps regret? Again. No. I don't regret it at all. Now I know that I CAN go and seduce and fuck seriously hot women. I'm able to do it. I'm a real man, goddamn it. No, I genuinely don't regret it, as 9 months ago there was a voice of doubt in my mind. It's now been crushed.

So what is it then? Well, if I were to pinpoint it I would say it's the following:

I

HAVE

NOT

ACHEIVED

HAPPINESS

WITH

WOMEN

BY

BEING

ABLE

TO

GO

OUT

AND

FUCK

ANYONE

I

CHOOSE

TO

Simply as that. Perhaps.

This has been my first post for a while, and after reading the above, it won't come as a shock that I don't intend on writing for a while.

Pathetic as this may sound, the only girl I've ever loved is moving back to the UK in 9 days time. I've been thinking about her for months. I never appreciated what we had when we were together, and I don't know if I can ever rebuild what we had. All I know is that if I don't try, I'll have to live with the what if forever. Ironically, it's the same "what if" that drove me into the game. Not exactly the same, but similar I believe.

I'll leave the last paragraph there, but re-reading it I HATE the way it starts. Fuck any of you for judging that as pathetic. I've gone through the game, I put time and effort in and I've discovered something about myself: you never really appreciate what you have until it's gone.

I may return. I came here in the first place for the right reasons. Now I've chosen a different path. But if she doesn't want me back, then once I've dealt with that, I may return. But if I do, they will be for different reasons, and for different goals.

I had a great time. But I leave now, for as long as I choose, with no remorse. Good luck to all you guys out there. I know that this blog has been helpful to some of you, which has made it worth the writing. Really these final comments are to you, as you deserve some explination of why I'm disappearing.

Bye

-B